


why

by burnt_touya



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Ash Lynx Dies, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Memories, Pain, Short One Shot, Trauma, What Was I Thinking?, ahem, ash seeing his younger self, if you cry please tell me, lowercase intended, references to past, the coach is truly a demon, uh, will this hurt? most likely, young ash in pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:56:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29942760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burnt_touya/pseuds/burnt_touya
Summary: as always, ash is reminded by the universe how helpless and useless he can beoran au where he sees an old memory play in front of him
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	why

A serene white surrounds me. I remember this feeling, this tranquility. I’ve definitely felt it once before, although unlike that momentary deprivation of noise and chaos this felt eternal. A never ending light that engulfs me. It isn’t a sight, but the feeling. Knowing that everything around me is so peaceful, as though I’m floating, nothing on my mind. I wish this never fades away, not this time. That’s when I hear it, a faint sound, a low and innocent tone that make me open my eyes to finally welcome the light that I was merely feeling up until now.

It is bright, but the lights fading more and more as the small voice gets clearer to the ear. What is it saying? Am I supposed to pay attention? Am I again at the hospital? Is this white that surrounded me merely an illusion for my comfort? A deception to be more accurate. No, the voice sounds of a happy child, one that’s excited about something. It almost reminds me of skip, will I get to see skip? Is this skip calling my name out? With that curiosity takes the best of me. Welcoming the new surroundings as the white fades away me body gains more weight, legs lowering down to allow my feet contact with the ground. For a moment the question occurred to me, was I dead? Was this the afterlife where I’d be judged for all my sins, the voice that I heard, is it skip calling out? That would have been so much better than what I saw.

Was it possible for my heart to drop like it did? Was it even physically possible to feel the world around me shake when the surroundings were cleared of all the white peaceful tranquility and I was met with a green land, a blond boy with jade eyes standing in front of a house porch smiling so widely, was it really possible for me to freeze yet feel my whole body trembling? What sort of punishment is this? How wrong was I in life to be standing here? Again.

I’m trembling, is my body even real? They can’t see me, I know they can’t because the old man is approaching me, no, not me, not this me, the young me, the me that knows nothing, the me that has glimmering eyes and a happy smile. That’s the kid I hid away long ago, the one that I tried to shield till he was healed, till I was strong enough, till I knew I could protect him. It’s his house, the league coach, the man I saw as some role model after griffin. I, I saw him as a role model…

No, get your hand off his shoulder, don’t touch him, don’t, please don’t, touch, him.

Why can’t I move? Why am I frozen in place? I thought I was strong enough, was it all just a stupid belief. What’s the point of all that’ve done in life if I can’t even move right now? If I can’t even stop this coach from leading him slowly but surely in the house, the house where no one will hear anything, the house where my, no, his life will change forever.

I move, my feet slowly find a pace, they are uncertain and staggering steps, I’m barely dragging myself behind the pair, hands raising to somehow catch the boy’s attention, to call that jade eyed boy and tell him to run, run as fast as he can, just, run back. I need to go faster, maybe, maybe life isn’t that cruel, and maybe there is a god up there that is giving me a chance to turn everything around. I can rebuild my friendships, I can find peace, and I can just maybe not get shattered as I did in the past. Maybe, just maybe, I can save this boy.

They step in the house. The door closes.

No, no, no, no, no! I can still save him, I can still do something. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Open the fucking door, bust in, shield the boy, you need to protect the boy, I need to protect the boy, I can’t repeat my mistakes, I can’t let him slip away, no, no, no, not this time.

I slipped through. I slipped through the door. I’m. I’m, a spirit…

Maybe I can still pull the monster off, maybe I can still shield the boy, and maybe I can offer myself instead. Maybe, maybe, maybe, my head filled with so many maybes, almost getting side tracked, almost loosing focus, no, I can’t go down now, I can’t tremble now, I can’t hold fear right now.

This is the first time I run, almost falling over a few times before I reached the bedroom. I can almost remember what he told me. **_“Come here, I’ll show you my favorite gloves”_** he knew what I liked, he knew curiosity would get the best of that little boy. He, he knew that the little boy trusted him.

I slip through the door again, I rage on him, I try to pull him away. But it happens again. My hand, it slips right through.

**Why.**

_No._ NO, GET OFF HIM. NO, STOP IT, NO, PLEASE STOP, PLEASE I BEG YOU, I BEG YOU. PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T. LOOK AT ME, I’M RIGHT HERE, HAVE YOUR FUN WITH ME.

**Why won’t he get off? Why do my hands keep going through them? Why can’t I touch him? Why? Why? Why? Why…**

__

I’m sobbing. The tears are streaming down without my consent. I couldn’t stop him. I couldn’t save the boy. Was it all a false hope? Is this supposed to be a punishment? Was I so wrong in life? Was I being shown how wrong I was in life? Where everything started? No, where everything ended.

The boy is shocked, face tear stained, eyes void and pupils still trembling, he’s in the corner of the room now, he tried to get up and run but fell right away, crawling to that corner and making himself appear as small and unnoticeable as he could. I crawl towards him too, he can’t see me, he can’t hear me, he can’t feel me, my arms would slip right through but I still try to hug him, take him in my embrace, rock him back and forth to calm him down.

**Why him? Why me?**

They slip right through again, this makes me let out a painful scream. He doesn’t hear it, not because the world around him just shattered, not because my shattered pieces mixed with his were piling around him. It’s because I kept him in for too long. This is my punishment. This is what I get. I wronged this boy by locking him deep inside me and I wronged all those that went away because of me.

I can’t laugh no matter how ironic I find this to be, no matter at how amused I am at life and god. I just sit there holding myself while tears keep rolling down and painful shouts, groans, screams keep coming. I’m expressing it all, my body and conscious is being true to my emotions, for the one last time I can feel all the pain again. Not the stab, not the bullets, not the touching, not the beating, it’s all internal pain. My soul is hurting and I can’t do anything about it. Not anymore.

I’m useless once again. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t do anything for the boy that’s still sitting in front of me in utter fear, I couldn’t do anything for skipper, I couldn’t do anything for griffin, I couldn’t do anything for shorter, I, I couldn’t do anything for eiji.

I’m still not strong enough. Even after all this I’m still in pain. All of them went away in vain.

**Author's Note:**

> basically if you didn't understand what you just read I am here to explain. this idea was taken from a tiktok I once saw, also this one fanart where ash is hugging his younger self and well I added an angsty twist to it. in this ash has died and this was his spirit revisiting his most traumatic memory / the day everything crumbled down, and in the beginning you sort of see ash being hopeful and thinking he is maybe given a chance to save the young boy, but its really just a painful last reminder. I have no idea why I wrote this and I doubt its even good so yeah that's it I guess.


End file.
